Life in a Mirror

Why "Life in a Mirror"?

 

I started blogging the moment I learned how to blog. I thought, the best way how I could share what I know is through writing because then (and now, I am such not a good speaker), so I opted to just write my thoughts down.

 

But where do these thoughts come from? I read. I savor life. And thinking a lot is the offshoot. I am not an active child. I was more of the introverted type. And so after reading, most information just got stuck there. They have no way of going out. So mostly, I get to think about them ... a lot.

 

So I face these thoughts squarely, like your eyes looking straight back at you when you face the mirror. The reflection of my thoughts about the things I read and experience are poured down on blank sheets.

 

Then my days became busier. There was a time when I got hold of no book for over a year or two. But I hear a lot. I started experiencing life ... the kind of life so heavy to share. And so I think a lot about this life. Because the moment I cease to think, I cease to believe ... and hope and have faith to the One who brought me here.

 

Reflection with the right values helped me to be stronger despite the painful experiences of the past. I may have bled to death if I haven't had the courage to face life with no pretensions ... no lies.

 

And so I ask you the same question: Are you happy with what your life has to offer?

 

For one thing I have learned about life, happiness and lies -- They are intertwined.

 

Once you have not learned accepting life at face value, you begin building lies after lies after lies. Until you have been trapped in the loops and knots of your own lies. And you will never be happy.

 

Pretending starts within the self. Then you start lying to those important to you. Then to most people in general.

 

Pretension starts when you yourself cannot accept who you are -- your choices, your decisions. Any outside stimulus that reminds you of who you are, you tend to attack. You'd rather do this that put down your defenses for accepting your weaknesses is defeat for you. And you cannot afford to lose. And so you judge others as you have judged yourself. Nobody seems to be good enough for you.

 

And so the cycle goes on ...

 

You lie. You pretend. You defend yourself. You attack. You judge falsely. You talk ill about people. Because this is the only way to make you feel better off. But in reality, you're not ...

 

Because you failed to look into the MIRROR of LIFE.

Lack of Something

The distance from my entries is very alarming... Was I really this quiet for the last four years or so?

 

I couldn't imagine I was able to get by without writing (Oh well, writing my thoughts fall under a different category than writing my Lesson Guides, Progress Checks and Assessments. IEP reports included.)!!!

 

From the time I learned how to write, no matter how unintelligible my musings are, I write them down. Because Mama said, it's the only way I could improve on my hand-writing, which makes my prose even more -- let's be more apt, muddled.

 

Is it lack of inspiration?

 

Nah! I guess not. Because other than writing, teaching is my passion. And as an educator, I could find any topic at every nook in the room to write about. Including a broken pencil.

 

Is it lack of something smart to say?

 

I don't think so. My class is filled with witty kids. Asking me why pages of a book are non-living things, yet they get brittle and die.

 

Is it lack of time?

 

Oh well...

Time to go!

I am currently in a room of test-takers. For clarity, I am not one of them nor the tester. Neither am I a spectator. I have been in the testing world for more than a decade now & being in the room brings back nostalgia into my system. So getting involved is not so my mood at this time. I need to divert my energy to more meaningful tasks than being nostalgic. For one, I forgot to bring a bigger hanky. And two, I might disturb the testees with my sneezing & honking.

So why then am I here?

Guess I am forced by the need to see one of the best ANOVA interpreter I could avail of in this side of my town. Whether I like the feeling or not, well, that I will leave the interpretation to you dear readers.

My concern at the moment is TIME.

There are moments I so appreciate the shortness of time especially when at the mercy of unbearable circumstances (which has become more often than I prayed for;-)

But there are instances that shortness of time is an enemy.

24 hours? 20 waking hours? This to me is not enough. I wish my body clock does not tick of tiredness... moreso my mind does not shut off after 24 hours.

So many things I want to do. Such little time. I'm no longer so sure if these things I'm exerting much effort to means much to me or would do me any good at the end of my days. (paging Fr.Peter... please guide me through this. But I want to make myself clear, I'm NOT ready for you yet. Just a sign will do;-)

One thing I miss the most is this... Symbolizing my thoughts into words...

Whoa! That's it! I have found reason why I'm here! At least my waiting here did not go to waste. I am able to transform something into reality. My babbling at this corner is somehow productive. This is my FIRST real blog after 2 hibernating years!!!

YES! Thank God I was able to do this. I have not just seated here & got a good bunch of inputs but also an output I could post in my almost dormant blogsite!

Now I should go & try to keep posting... maybe I could ask another person hold me for a while ;-)

A Million Little Pieces of Hope, Love and Passion for Life

Orange and pink streaks sail across the blue of the sky, large birds silhouette themselves against the red of the rising sun, clouds inch their way toward me.


These are such poetic lines from James Frey. His book "A Million Little Pieces" is an account of his life in the rehabilitation center. And this is what I'm currently reading.


There were all sorts of new things to find. Grass and dirt and holes and tiny bugs – each fascinated him. But nothing satisfied him.


And these are striking lines from “Hope for the Flowers” by Trina Paulos which I just read (side by side with Harry Potter 6… of course before watching the movie, which of course did not satisfy me – anyway, that’s another story to tell, which I know you could certainly relate to).

Anyway, Frey’s novel, particularly its title has inspired me to write again... I mean to blog again. But what is more to this passion for writing are the things I’ve learned from Stripe and Yellow, Paulos’ main characters in her short story.

It has been months since I last posted an entry in any of my blogsites. What kept me busy? I think those times... these times are the days I am putting the million little pieces of my dreams... of my life together. Getting into that big climb like Stripe and Yellow and finding in the end what really satisfies me and gives me so much hope and love and passion for life.

Yes! I am in the prime of building a legacy not just for my family – my kids to follow, but for more kids that truly matters… as Jesus has once said, “Let the little ones come to me.”

Let me count the ways:

1. I was about to finish my MA in Guidance and Counseling in 2005 when an Aunt fed me with the great (and tempting) “American Dream”.

2. While finishing my MA degree, I took up units in Special Education and Certificate in Teaching in an Open University System.

3. After graduation, I got pregnant with Gaby and found myself incapable of working and going to school. Thank God, UP then offered a Certificate in Caring for the Special Child through the Interactive Virtual Learning Experience. I had homeschooling.

4. Upon giving birth, I pushed through with my MA in SPED. And finished my education units alongside it.

5. After having my diploma, I forwarded my application as SPED teacher to one of the agencies in Manila. And I think, one of the best agencies deploying Filipino teachers to the US of A.

6. 2008 was a grand year for me in the field of test-taking. April, I passed the Licensure Exam for Teachers. August, I passed the Licensure Exam for Guidance Counselors.

7. 2009 started out with more stress. January, I took up Praxis 2, the state board for SPED teachers and passed once again.

8. February, I was interviewed. Then a long wait for the result followed.

9. March, I have to take another state board, Praxis 1, for General Education. Once more, I proved to have much luck in board examinations. I passed.

10. April, I resigned from work. But was re-hired until July as a Researcher for Student Services and Curriculum Development.

11. June, I received the news that I passed the interview.

12. I was encouraged to enroll ASAP for a special Reading course at St. Joseph College, Quezon City. The course was for two months. Every weekends. Stressful, eh!? Saturday mornings I board the bus early just in time for my 2 PM class. We end up at 7 PM. Sundays, we start at 9 AM until 6 PM. Then I go straight to the bus terminal and arrive home at 12 midnight or early dawn. And after a four-hour sleep, off I go to work.

13. July, we had a not so fortunate news. Our petitioning school lacks funds to fly us all together in August. We will go by batch, so they say. Now, there are five (should I say the “lucky” ones) being processed. Hopefully for September deployment.

14. Still July, I don’t know if I will feel frustrated or happy. Frustrated because by August, I will be jobless. I thought like Stripe and Yellow, I was climbing with a group where I would be led to nowhere.

15. Mid July, I felt happier because I realized, I wasn’t ready yet to leave my kids and husband (for more or less six months). I was more thankful that I get to spend more time with them. Imagine if I were to be deployed in August? My weekend classes ended in July 26 and target deployment is first week of August, how would in the world I spend time with my family?

16. Towards end of July, I had wonderful plans in mind. I got so busy (with Arleen) in looking for a perfect spot for my long-time dream – a school. But for now, my passion for teaching kids (putting up a school) is limited to a Reading Enrichment Program for Grade 1 pupils and children with special needs.

17. August, I formally opened my Reading Resource Center. Simple. Just a room with two monobloc tables and six monobloc chairs, rubber mats, a small white board, a flip chart, and a few good books to read.

18. But there is more to this that I’m busy about. 8 AM to 10 AM, I shadow teach in a grade 1 class for a pupil with ADHD accompanied with an oppositional and impulsive behavior. After which, I visit two other kids with autism. And yet another kid with ADHD. And help a team of professionals in designing an IEP for a child with Emotional Impairment who is homeschooling.

19. Before leaving the school at 12 noon, I see to it that I have counseled around four students in the high school department.

20. At 12:30 to 2:30 PM, I continue with my work as a Researcher.

21. At 3 PM, I have to be in my center to prepare things for my pupils. I currently have seven grade 1 pupils and a grade 3 pupil with specific Learning Disability. I also work with a Mom in developing a Behavior Managament Plan for her child with ADHD. I end up at 6 PM.

22. These three responsibilities I so carefully squeezed in a day transpire in three separate locations, too. So you can just imagine what a mess I now look like. Yeah! Maybe I am all stressed out but I am happy and contented.

23. If you may ask of the monetary satisfaction, it is not such a good source of income given the tiresome impact of juggling many responsibilities a time. But one thing I am sure of, at the end of the day, before I close my eyes at night, there are more things I am thankful for.

24. First question: “Would I still pursue my great American Dream?”

My answer, “Yes I will!”

25. Last question: “What for?”

My answer, “To bring to the next level my one true dream – come home to my country and put up a school for children with special needs, considering all the therapies they need. And have a guidance and counseling, testing and play therapy center for kids and their families.”



Her feelers quivered and Stripe knew she was speaking. He couldn’t make out words. Then slowly, he seemed to understand… Somehow he knew what to do. Stripe climbed again.

It got darker and darker and he was afraid. He felt he has to let go of everything…

… Until one day …

The Everyday Masters by Paulo Coelho

Outside the city of Oslo is getting ready for winter. I am chatting in the bar with a very popular European singer. We talk about fame and success, and at a certain moment she asks me if I have anything important to teach her.

“Of course not,” I answer. “You lead your life like someone who knows that one day they are going to die, and that is what is most important. Nevertheless, I can propose a task for you: for the next six months, keep a diary called “the everyday master.” We always learn something different between dawn and dusk: why not write it down?”

She accepts the task. Six months later, I receive a copy of her diary full of very interesting notes, lessons from people she met only once but who are certain to remain for ever. This week I will be publishing here the most important of these entries.

Here is one of the entries of my friend’s diary about the everyday masters:

Accepting yourself

I found out who I am by looking at others. I am afraid of not being as good as they think I am, but I believe they all think this about themselves. During the time that I kept this diary, I finally accepted that I am brave enough to feel fear and to see myself without any artifices. I feel secure enough to feel insecure.

I discovered that people try to project a lot of their own insecurity onto you, just as you do with them. They try to diminish you because they feel small, try to intimidate you because they are not convinced that they are capable.

Tomorrow, I’ll post here another entry.

For a week now, I’ve been following “The every day masters” post by Paulo Coelho on his blogsite. This is an amazing learning experience for me, and so I share them again with you. Then again, I’m hoping I will have the luxury of time to make my online diary, too, similar to this one.

God bless everyone!