When people ask me to define love, I say, "Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger." (Sponge Bob)

When they ask me why I laugh at my mistakes and even write them with pride in my blogs, I say, "I'm not crazy. I just don't give a damn!" (Daffy Duck)

When one time I was conducting a group activity, a student asked what road sign I love the most, I said, "I like dead end signs. I think they're kind. They at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere…" (Bugs Bunny)

And when for the nth time a friend would ask me what do I get from writing, I'm not even sure if there are good old souls out there visiting my site, I just smile and say, "Kung gusto mong maging manunulat, eh di magsulat ka. Simple." (Bob Ong)

And last night when Eva said she wants to quit from her work because nobody believes in her, her boss got mad at her, she doesn't even have friends at her agency, and she's crying like hell, I said, "Either you stay to prove your worth or you quit and just show them you're a loser, you have to strive for your happiness." (MY original)

My CHOICES: I remained believing in love. I continued spicing up my mistakes and rewriting my life, accepting failure but keep on dreaming until words would fade into thin air.

Jun 16, 2008

My Blessing for a Lifetime

I got married in July 28, 2001 with my beloved Ronald. Some questioned my decision, my family included, but stubborn and firm that I am, the marriage came through. Who cares anyway? This is my life. My happiness. And who would dare judge the purity of intentions and depth of love my dearest hubby has for me? He is that one person who understands me with all my insecurities and feigned pride. A realization I had after making our life as a couple miserable because of my selfishness and insensitivity and impatience and smugness and all that blackened tinge of who I am. I almost blew that love made in Heaven to bits and bits of teardrops and pain.

There was a major episode in our love story that changed all my perspectives in life. I was impulsive. Stubborn. I was sensitive for my feelings but unfeeling of Ronald's emotions. I only listened to myself. I was proud but remained envious of what others have that I don't. Especially so when after almost a year, we were still not blessed with a child despite and in spite of all the prayers, I almost begged for a child. I was almost cursing the Lord for not granting us the child we want when there are a number of women out there aborting that little life throbbing inside their wombs. I question Him, "Why not give that baby to me?" See… I was nothing compared to who I project I am. I was no good to anyone, especially to my husband. I am a nobody, I thought. A hollow woman who loved no one but myself. My happiness was my only goal in life, if there really was. The more I shammed my happiness, the more it grew further away from me – because I was never worthy of it. I never knew how is it to fully love – funny! But I have always claimed I did know how to love. I got hurt. Was it love? Perhaps it was sheer wounded pride. A bruised ego.

All these recognition of the mistakes I have done was because of Ronald. He has showed the real me; yet remained beside me and loved me for what I am and who I am and I am not. He placed a mirror in front of me that I may see the "fork-and-tail" image of myself – not to put me down or destroy me like other people have been doing or might have done in any way as far as I can remember, but to rebuild me into a new and better person I thought I was never capable of becoming.

Then there was I… challenged by the love Ronald offered me. I am determined. I don't say I am now perfect. But I am trying. I don't say I have completely eradicated the "bad" me, but I'm struggling. I don't say our life as a couple is a bed of roses. Because roses have thorns. I am not alone though when I am hurt or when I feel down or insecured. I have now found someone who constantly inspires me to be who I really am and give meaning to my every stride.

I did not finish my Master's degree all by myself. The more that I did not win as Best Thesis alone. The idea of my title puffed in my mind somewhere because I experienced myself the interplay of those same variables and molded me to be who I am with Ronald making those facts available in my information bank. My data was completed because Ronald carefully filled in every cell in my blank table. I could have not patiently beat the deadline in those tormenting nights without him by my side, with a glass of hot milk or coffee to keep me up and the sumptuous meals he has prepared to nourish my decaying brain that every once in a while stop in momentary stupor.

I should have not pushed through with yet another Master's degree in Special Education if not for his encouragement and earned those units in Education. He was always there, giving a push. Telling me I'm good. Saying I can be the best in every endeavor I undertake. He takes good care of me and our kids the way I wished I was taken cared of by my own father.

I could have not been a proud mother of my two cute and loving little angels if it weren't for Ronald who provided the complementary gene in my own gene pool to come out with such little girls – the focus of my profoundest hormonal affection (their father included, of course).

I should have been the same bitchy me if Ronald hasn't crossed my life space. I am never the same again because of him. My life has found more meaning and reason and all the beautiful and colorful hues of amber and bright scarlet and shades of crimson and some velvety stuff this world is made of.

I may not be… but I am almost there.
To Ronald -- my most beloved, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
And to all the Dad's out there -- love your wife, love your kids... after a long day's work, you'd be going nowhere but come home to them; so there's no healthier way but to paint a smile on your face and an overflowing love for your family when you make that stride in your doorstep.


SandyCarlson said...

This is a beautiful tribute to your husband and a powerful testimony to the importance of selfless love. Happy anniversary. God bless!

CyberCelt said...

What a wonderful story of growth and love.

Paulie said...

Well, somehow I missed this post when you wrote it. I am glad I stopped by today as it a beautiful, loving tribute to your hubby. I hope you wrote it out on pretty stationary and gave to him also. No nicer a gift than this. . .