Life in a Mirror

Why "Life in a Mirror"?

 

I started blogging the moment I learned how to blog. I thought, the best way how I could share what I know is through writing because then (and now, I am such not a good speaker), so I opted to just write my thoughts down.

 

But where do these thoughts come from? I read. I savor life. And thinking a lot is the offshoot. I am not an active child. I was more of the introverted type. And so after reading, most information just got stuck there. They have no way of going out. So mostly, I get to think about them ... a lot.

 

So I face these thoughts squarely, like your eyes looking straight back at you when you face the mirror. The reflection of my thoughts about the things I read and experience are poured down on blank sheets.

 

Then my days became busier. There was a time when I got hold of no book for over a year or two. But I hear a lot. I started experiencing life ... the kind of life so heavy to share. And so I think a lot about this life. Because the moment I cease to think, I cease to believe ... and hope and have faith to the One who brought me here.

 

Reflection with the right values helped me to be stronger despite the painful experiences of the past. I may have bled to death if I haven't had the courage to face life with no pretensions ... no lies.

 

And so I ask you the same question: Are you happy with what your life has to offer?

 

For one thing I have learned about life, happiness and lies -- They are intertwined.

 

Once you have not learned accepting life at face value, you begin building lies after lies after lies. Until you have been trapped in the loops and knots of your own lies. And you will never be happy.

 

Pretending starts within the self. Then you start lying to those important to you. Then to most people in general.

 

Pretension starts when you yourself cannot accept who you are -- your choices, your decisions. Any outside stimulus that reminds you of who you are, you tend to attack. You'd rather do this that put down your defenses for accepting your weaknesses is defeat for you. And you cannot afford to lose. And so you judge others as you have judged yourself. Nobody seems to be good enough for you.

 

And so the cycle goes on ...

 

You lie. You pretend. You defend yourself. You attack. You judge falsely. You talk ill about people. Because this is the only way to make you feel better off. But in reality, you're not ...

 

Because you failed to look into the MIRROR of LIFE.

CABAnata 22: Meeting the Unknown

October 11, 2008.

“What is your most frustrating experience and what have you realized from it?”

Quite a difficult, yet challenging question… but considering my height, surely, this is not one of the most controversial “question and answer” portion in a beauty contest. Maybe in due time, I shall reveal to you what was this question all about. But as of now, let me just share to you my answer as I meet the unknown for the first time…

I paused for a while. Groping for words to say. I thought of my mother’s death or my father’s, but at the back of my mind, I can hear that little voice telling me, “Are you ready to disclose that? You might just break into tears and blow this chance of a lifetime.”

So I listened to that voice.

Then I confidently started articulating what I thought was a safe answer:

“Actually, I don’t consider any of my experiences as source of my frustration. There may be downfalls but I always see things in a positive light that they no longer appear to me as frustrating.”

The woman across the desk was smiling. And so I smiled back, too… nervously though. Hopefully, hers was a satisfied smile.

Come November, if such question will be asked from me again, I would be more honest. And this is what I intend to say:

“Frustrating experience? Oh well, the first time that was asked of me, I said: I don’t consider any of my experiences as source of my frustration. There may be downfalls but I always see things in a positive light that they no longer appear to me as frustrating.”

“On my way home, I realized though that what I gave was such a safe answer.”

“I first thought of my parents’ death… but I don’t consider it frustrating, it is more of a depressive experience than frustrating. So I have two things in mind…” (pause… for a more dramatic air…)

“First, upon graduating from college, I would have preferred pursuing immediately Clinical Psychology, which I thought then, was my ultimate dream. But due to financial reasons, my mother asked me to work so I would be able to support my younger brother’s schooling or else, he wouldn’t be able to finish college. And like any other Filipino eldest child, I did what was asked of me. So I became a pre-school teacher and a shadow teacher to mainstreamed pupils. And even without those sped units, I tried in the best of my ability, to give what was due to these children. That first job, considering all those efforts, which I thought was my most frustrating experience opened a new door for me – realizing that I would still be able to help the less privileged in the society by being a teacher.”

“Secondly, when I was already immersed in special education, frustration hit me hard seeing how unfortunate children with special needs are in the Philippines. In my community alone, public schools have low ability to provide quality education to regular kids, more so to special children. That’s when I started dreaming for a home school for children with disabilities. Then again, financial reasons got in the way.”

“So maybe you would ask me, what then am I doing here – sitting face-to-face with you? The answer is simple: The realization of that dream is in your hands.”




------ Applause! Applause! Applause! ------

CABAnata 21: I am a Licensed GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

Guidance Counselor Licensure Examination Results August 2008

The Professional Regulation Commission (PRC) announces that 84 out of 140 passed the Guidance Counselor Licensure Examination given by the Board of Guidance and Counseling.

The members of the Board of Guidance and Counseling are Lily Rosqueta-Rosales, Officer-in-Charge; and Luzviminda S. Guzman, Member.

Registration for the issuance of Professional Identification Card (ID) and Certificate of Registration will be announced later. Those who will register are required to bring the following: duly accomplished Oath Form or Panunumpa ng Propesyonal, current Community Tax Certificate (cedula), 2 pieces passport size picture (colored with white background and complete nametag), 1 piece 1" x 1" picture (colored with white background and complete nametag), 2 sets of metered documentary stamps, and 1 short brown envelope with name and profession; and to pay the Initial Registration Fee of P600 and Annual Registration Fee of P450 for 2008-2011. Successful examinees should personally register and sign in the Roster of Registered Professionals.

The oathtaking ceremony of the successful examinees in the said examination as well as the previous ones who have not taken their Oath of Professional will be held before the Board on Sunday, September 28, 2008, at 1:30 in the afternoon, at the Centennial Hall, Manila Hotel, One Rizal Park, Manila.



Successful Examinees in the GUIDANCE COUNSELOR LICENSURE EXAMINATION

1 ALDAY, MYRA PATRON
2 AQUI, ANNA CHRISTINA SANTOS
3 ATILLO, ANALENE NATIVIDAD
4 AWINGAN, WILMALYN ADAG
5 BABANTO, RHEENA ESTER BANTULA
6 BACOSA, LEAH SIOSON
7 BASAWIL, CECILE AGUILAN
8 BAUTISTA, ANGELIE DOLIGOSA
9 BAUTISTA, MARIA THERESA MERCADO
10 BELTRAN, FLORY CAYABYAB
11 BUENAFE, FINI JOY PALACIO
12 BUSTILLO, ANGELI BALDOVINO
13 CABACUNGAN, NERISSA GONZALES
14 CABARON, LYNMARIE THERESE ARANETA
15 CADANO, KRISTINE CEPE
16 CALLO, FRANCES RUTH LOURDES SESPERES
17 CANLAS, CHERRY LOU DUQUE
18 CARDENAS, MARIA TERESA TABUÑAR
19 CARLOS, KRISTINA ROSE GUIAO
20 CHAN, CHERRY LO
21 CHUA, CLAUDINE SY
22 CIPRIANO, ADARNA MIRASOL
23 CORTEZ, MARIA DOROTHY ALONZO
24 CORTEZ, MARYROSE PICO
25 CUA, CYMBELINE CHAN
26 CUDEL, ANDREW DE LUNA
27 DAVID, ADONIS PACLEB
28 DE CASTRO, FRANCINE ROSE ASUNCION
29 DELA CRUZ, SHERILLYN DIZON
30 DIZON, MICHELLE MARIE CALIXTO
31 DIZON, STEPHANIE ROSE TOLENTINO
32 DOMENDEN, NHORLY URBIZTONDO
33 GAGNI, ELIZABETH MARFEL FORTES
34 GONZALEZ, MARIA MARGARITA CRISOSTOMO
35 HOGGANG, GERALDA PINOY-AN
36 IMBANG, LEI MARIE FENETE
37 JANAIRO, EFRAEM ABAD
38 JOSUE, MARY JOCELYN BALANGUE
39 JOVER, MURIEL MINERVA
40 KURZE, ANDREA ROBERTO
41 LAWAS, RICKY REMETIO
42 LEGASPI, ESTESA XARIS QUE
43 LINGALING, ROSALIE OSALVO
44 LOPEZ, JOCELYN BUENAVENTURA
45 LUBONG, MARICEL VELASCO
46 MAURICIO, CANDY DELA CRUZ
47 MEDINA, FERDINAND LABIOS
48 MENDOZA, ANNIE TANCIOCO
49 MORES, ELMERANDO TAGUIBAO
50 NAVAL, JEANETTE VICTORIA ALBANO
51 NAVAREZ, JOEL CASTILLO
52 NAYVE, MARY ANNE LOPEZ
53 NGO, MYRLINDA ROSE ABAD
54 OAEL, IRENE CULAS
55 OCAMPO, MARICAR BERNARDO
56 OIDE, CONCHITA LICUANAN
57 PADSOYAN, REYNALYN TAYAWA
58 PAELANO, AARON MAGNO
59 PAJARILLAGA, FLERIDA SANTIAGUEL
60 PANTALEON, JAYMEE ABIGAIL KLINEFELTER
61 PAPAS, LOVELYN SISON
62 PARCASIO, AURORA PAULO
63 PAULO, MARY GRACE BLASICO
64 PIDLAOAN, KAREN CUSTODIO
65 PRE, JULIUS CUARESMA
66 QUEMI, MARIFEL PONCE
67 QUIAMNO, DIOSDADO JR BONDE
68 QUIBA, CAROLYN CRUZ
69 QUIBA, MENDELSON POLANTE
70 QUINDOR, JUDYLYNN IGUBAN
71 RIMANDO, KAREN ORTIGUERO
72 ROGEL, ELNA MARTIN
73 ROSAL, MANOL TABLADA
74 SALDA, JESHANAH BASALONG
75 SARABIA, JOSELITO SAÑADA
76 SINDOL, ANNIE EVE DAVID
77 STA ANA, OLIVER BALTAZAR
78 TIMBOL, MA NANETTE CRUZ
79 TOLEDO, CAROL MADLANGSAKAY
80 TRAGICO, GIFT DEL CARMEN
81 TRIGUERO, JANICE PUNZALAN
82 VILLAREAL, RITA LORENZO
83 VILLON, ALEXANDRA WANDA LOMOD
84 YAMZON, MAY DAVID

CONGRATULATIONS to all of us who made History in the field of GUIDANCE and COUNSELING here in the Philippines!!!

CABAnata 20: I am a Licensed TEACHER

May 2, 2008
LET Exam Results for April 2008 Secondary Level

Roll of Successful Examinees in the
L.E.T. - SECONDARY - All Regions
Held on APRIL 6, 2008
Released on APRIL 30, 2008

Page: 39 of 76
Seq. No. N a m e

1851 JOSE, JOANNE PAGLIAWAN
1852 JOSEF, FLORDECILA ABORDO
1853 JOSUE, MARY JOCELYN BALANGUE
1854 JOVEN, JIECEBEL BELEÑA
1855 JOVENAL, LUDY BAGINDA
1856 JOYOHOY, HAZEL MAGLINTE
1857 JUABAN, LOURDES LUPIBA
1858 JUAÑO, LEAH TAGUMPAY
1859 JUBASAN, LAILE REAN ACEBUCHE
1860 JUDAN, RONALD FERNANDEZ
1861 JUEVES, IRENE BANAC
1862 JULIAN, ADORA PACTOL
1863 JULWAHID, ALDING BALADJI
1864 JUMAO-AS, CHARITO GARCIA
1865 JUMAO-AS, DOMINADOR APARILLA
1866 JUMAQUIO, MICHAEL DELA CRUZ
1867 JUMAWAN, APRIL ALEGRIA
1868 JUMAWAN, KAREN MAE OCUM
1869 JUNIO, ROEN MORADOS
1870 JUNTILLA, ANALYN BOOC
1871 JUNTILLA, JOAN MANSUETO
1872 JUNTO, ROCELIO GALIMBA
1873 JUSTINIANI, JEHN PILAPIL
1874 JUSTO, ROMEL OCARIS
1875 JUSTOBA, YURI COPINGCO
1876 JUTBA, KRISTINE AUSEJO
1877 JUTIC, MARY ROSE BARRACA

CABAnata 19: The LUKER Fever!

This is my first entry after daring to make a step forward. And today marks the 7th day after the first ever licensure exam for Guidance and Counseling in the Philippines.

Seven long days of anxiety for the 160 of us who dared to make history… our 7th day suffering the “Luker fever”.

The two-day board exam started last August 21, 2008 held at Manuel L. Quezon University, Quiapo, Manila. The experience of just being in the busy streets of Quiapo, passing by the miraculous church where several old ladies unconsciencely sell “pamparegla” (instigate menstruation) roots soaked in whatever liquid that was and goon-looking men hiding themselves behind innocent-looking children waiting for prey was already an ordeal for me to go through. What more would answering 675 items with just a ten-year experience in the field to equip me bring out in me? Oooooohhhhh… the “Luker fever” I guess!

You bet I had the most… I mean, one of the most significant experiences in my thirty years of existence (Yeah! Yeah… I’m thirty years old. Not so young anymore!) during the board exam – it’s being introduced to “Luker” for the first time. And what a heck of an experience!

Have you been subjected to an overwhelming embarrassment all your life?

Oh well, in my case, the only consolation for my embarrassment was… errrr… so far, that is, was that my level of embarrassment wasn’t known to others.

Right that you are! I was caught off guard when I encountered “Luker” and his/her theory encapsulated in almost 10% of the questions in that milestone called “board examination”!

In my previous blog, I mentioned with pride that I have used eclectic counseling for almost ten years now. There are my favorite Person-Centered Approach by Rogers and Existential Theory by May and Frankl and several others. There is also the all-time controversial Psychosexual Orientation by Freud and his famous libido concept; Erikson’s Psychosocial Development; Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs; Piaget’s Cognitive Development; Developmental Tasks by Havighurst; the Behaviorist perspective by Pavlov, Skinner and Bandura; Williamson’s Trait-Factor Counseling; Transactional Analysis by Berne; Glasser’s Reality Therapy; REBT by Ellis; Psychosocial Learning by Krumboltz; and a dozen more like Super, Parsons, Roe, Gottfredson, Dawis, Holland, Brown, Young, Mitchelle, Gysbers, Ginzburg and Ginsberg for career pathing. But “LUKER”???

Oh “Luker”! Don’t even know if he is a he or she is a she!!!

Haven’t really met him/her even by-passingly in any psychology-related or guidance and counseling book… more so of his/her theory and developmental stages in counseling.

So how did I answer the almost 10% question?

Easy meat!

I used a bit of common sense.

Spiced with my analytic persona.

And then 99% of “ini-mini-my-ni-moh” stuff!

Sure that’s neat for someone who would like to make history, eh!

But I’m sure as heaven could witness, I am experiencing the “Luker fever” up to this very moment!

Maybe the only way to lower the tension is the board exam result to be posted -- the “gate-keeping” perspective -- either opening some fresh and new heights for me or ending my Guidance and Counseling career.

Duh! Anyway I already have my Special Ed license, it won’t matter much anyway!




(sob-sob-sic-sic)

Hey, I’m not sour-graping!

Just being realistic anyhow.

But to anyone who happen to pass by my site and read this entry, hope you’ll bridge the gap between me and LUKER!!!

CABAnata 18: Next Big Step to Be "I am"

Career development involves one’s whole life, not just occupation. As such, it concerns the whole person… More than that, it concerns him or her in the ever-changing contexts of his or her life. The environmental pressures and constraints, the bonds that tie him or her to significant others, responsibilities to children and aging parents, the total structure of one’s circumstances are also factors that must be understood and reckoned with. In these terms, career development and personal development converge. Self and circumstances – evolving, changing, unfolding in mutual interaction – constitute the focus and the drama of career development (Wolfe & Kolb, 1980, pp. 1-2).

“Working lives” and “working histories” – two powerful words, shaping and re-shaping who we are.

This week, will mark another milestone in my life. Career pathing. Life pathing.

After passing the Licensure Exam for Teachers last April with a whooping 84% equivalent to a two-week self-review, I have accepted another challenge – professionally that is. I mean… I have chosen to take a rather courageous step in conquering another licensure examination – the first ever Licensure Exam for Guidance Counselors in the Philippines.

But the pressure is stronger this time. At least when I took the LET then, I had an excuse of not passing. I can easily say even in a bitchy way, “Oh well, I only had my Education units via the Open University System. Modules didn’t teach me well. And I only had a two-week review in my self-contained asylum.” Isn’t that neat?

Yeah! This time is different. B.S. Psychology is my undergraduate degree. I earned my Master’s Degree in Guidance and Counseling in 2006 from an accredited state university. Guidance and Counseling is my career for ten years now.

I have been practicing eclectic counseling as far as I can remember. Maybe I have mastered the use of REBT and script analysis throughout my practice. I can recite with ease the counseling techniques from cognitive to affective to behavioral domains. Theories? I know them by heart including the theorists. Though Rogers and Frankl are my favorites.

An update? There is the Neurolinguistic Programming. The pioneer in the Philippines is Dr. Imelda Villar. And luckily, I have a copy of all her books.

I have slept over making a module in group process. Consensus theory. Conflict theory. T-groups. I even tried combining my knowledge in Adjunctive Therapeutic Techniques with Group Dynamics. And it works.

I do career counseling every now and then. I can draw with clarity Super’s and Krumboltz’s and Ginzberg’s and Peterson’s career guidance models. Thanks to Parsons who started it all.

Starting January through December, I deal with more than a dozen psychological tests -- from the simple SLU-Verbal and Nonverbal Intelligence Tests to the somewhat complicated Otis-Lennon School Ability Test and Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale; from the easily interpreted Emotions Profile Index to the 16 Personality Factors Test to a seemingly difficult to interpret Adjustment Scales for Children and Adolescents. Item Analysis. Norming. I go over the process year after year after year.

And of course, with the Guidance Program, all these are possible. Ah! The board exam includes the development, administration and maintenance and evaluation of a Guidance Program. What can I say? I just submitted today the final form of our TSDP Challenge or the Tri-lineal Strategic Developmental Plan Challenge. That makes the program developmental in nature.

But my! The pressure is on me. If I fail…

Yeah! If I fail…

Can’t fill-in the blank this time.

But honestly, whether I fail or hit the 75% passing rate, I shall treat myself for accepting the challenge – the challenge of partaking in a milestone in Guidance and Counseling history in the Philippines.

Imagine, even if I fail, at least I can say that I was the first “guinea pig” who failed in the board exam! Nice, eh!!!

But I hope and pray (and hope you’d pray with me and for me, too) that the good Lord shall open my long-term memory bank so I can pick out the correct data from my compartmentalized brain.

This is my career.

This is my choice.

I decided to be here.

Myself. The integration of my personality and society – past experiences, present and future motivations made all these possible.

This is my life.

I am “I”.

CABAnata 17: Pondering on the First Friday Mass Sermon

"Mass tomorrow?"

"Can I not just stay in my office to do all the checking of this pile of IQ tests?"

"The kids want to know their scores ASAP. They're around the office every hour from last Thursday when the test was given to them and they're driving me nuts!"

Once again, I mumbled a few more lines. Hoping my wish will be granted.

The following day -- which is today. I arrived late in school. 5 minutes late. My 2nd time of being late this week.

"Aaarghhh!"

"Beating the deadline and yet I am always late."

"Hell! They can't blame me. I am supposed to go home at 4:30 pm but I work my butt out until 6:00 pm."

"I am supposed to be reviewing for the board exam for Counselors this August and finishing my thesis but I bring home a bunch of paperworks for the school's accreditation."

"Duh! I am supposed to be out of here but I chose not to."

All these ran through my mind in a second.

"So you think that gave you all the right to be late and not attend the first Friday mass?" whispered the better side of me.

"Geeeezzzz!"

I was flapping through my ears to drive away the little voices making a good argument in defense of my almost splitting personality, when a student bumped through me...

"Ooooppsss, sorry!"

"That was it? That was all you can say? I am in a hurry with all my worries and sorry is all you can say?"

I thought I was shouting, but I was just staring blank at the kid. Then I gathered myself.

I head on...

"C'mon, Fr. Pati is saying the mass."

Upon hearing the priest's name, I just dumped my bag inside my drawer, combed my hair a bit, checked on my gloss, got my fan and went with the flow of people to the school's covered court where mass is celebrated.

And so the sermon goes...

It was like being transported to that event when I was deciding for my future -- my family's future.

Fr. Pati concluded, "...so to you elected leaders, not just be leaders, be servant leaders and responsible stewards of creation. To the administrators, the teachers, the non-teaching personnel and you dear students, as you re-affirm your commitment of being co-creators of God, let your heart be where the greater need you most."

"Like the little prince taming the fox, anything you tame, is your responsibility. Anything that grows familiar to you is your responsibility..." his words echoing -- travelling through my ear's canal to the message center of my brain, striking the chambers of my heart.

I did not stay for money. I did not stay for comfort. I did not stay for fear of the unknown. I decided to stay because this is where my heart is -- the place where I know the greater need me most.

I decided to stay because I have tamed the world of guidance and counseling to work best for my benefit and the people I work with and the children I work for.

I decided to stay because I have grown familiar with the colorful, yet mysterious world of children with special needs.

Yes, I stayed because one girl was crying in my cubicle last week. She said her mother have grown further away from her.

I stayed because another teenager fell in love and she is so confused with how she feels. Will she give in or not?

I stayed, yet for another girl who sobbed over her sentiments -- telling me her parents don't notice her efforts in dancing and just wanted to sleep and never to wake up.

I stayed because a young man needs me this year to listen to him while his soul is dying -- his very own parents as the criminal.

I decided to stay for a sixteen year old child with autism, who with all the wealth in the world needs an eye to watch over him when he sleeps.

I decided to stay for a nine year old girl who doesn't care how she looks like and reads the alphabet backwards.

I decided to stay for an eight year old boy with ADHD who feels so frustrated he wants to cut his fingers that they stop fidgeting altogether.

I committed myself to stay because I have tamed them. They have grown familiar with my voice, my touch, my scent and even with that little strictness in my aura.

I have accepted the challenge.

I have accepted them.

THEY ARE MY RESPONSIBILITY!

“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, covering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks. But what we do for them is never wasted.”

Garrison, Keillor, 2000

This was my opening phrase in my acknowledgement page in my thesis... and so I live with it.

First Friday Mass Sermon: The Little Prince and The Fox

It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning" said the fox.

"Good morning" the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here" the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," the fox said.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince, "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said, "I am not tamed."

"Ah please excuse me," said the little prince. But after some thought, he added: "What does that mean--'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox.

"What is it you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince.

"What does that mean--tame?"

"Men," said the fox, "they have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean--tame?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower . . . I think she has tamed me . . . "

"It is possible," said the fox. "On earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious. "On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . . "

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . . "

"What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . . "
The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If for example, you came at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . . "

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour different from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . . "

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made a friend, and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarrassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said. "Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose---" said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . . "

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

CABAnata 16: Decisions

We’re in the same stage right now. I still love my work as a Guidance Counselor, but I also feel I have a heart for kids with special needs. I’m not a hypocrite though. I want to feel the snow in my palms, but just the thought of leaving my children for at least six months breaks me. I now experience doubts to pursue my American dream. My goal now is geared towards having my own home school for Filipino children with special needs. I can be an educator and a counselor at the same time. The problem now lies on where I would get my finances for that great dream for a home school.

Funny! Yesterday, I just finished reading “Who moved my cheese?” and I find myself smiling. Then laughing out loud for the coincidence and yes, the irony of life. Ironic though, but wonderful.

My choice, I’m letting the tides of fate bring me to where I really should be. Idealistic? Yes. My place under the sun.

But whatever that is, I won’t stop writing, too.

This was my comment in one of Hazel’s blog entry last week. I decided to post her entry but I failed to ask permission. So I opted not to post. Instead, I encourage you to just drop by her Filteany site to check out on her post.

I am in a crossroad.

My previous entries, I said I will resign from my present job as a Guidance Counselor and look for a teaching job as a Special Ed teacher. I resigned. I applied. But found out the schools don’t fit my personality… or moreso, my principles in life.

I handed my resignation but I took it back. Not because I feared I won’t be able to find another job (In fact, two schools – a university and a college, contacted me to be a college instructor, but I just declined. It’s not my cup of tea I must say.), but more of my principles once again.

Indeed, I am a bit idealistic. I find it hard to leave my present school because for one, the school’s vision-mission support what I too believe in. Secondly, my heart is with the kids I deal with everyday. And a whole lot other reasons I cannot verbally express.

I was just lucky I was totally honest (still am) to my principal. This I have really learned from this experience:

Honesty begets trust and respect.

For the next school year, I will still be a Guidance Counselor, handling the freshmen and kids with special cases – children with OFW parent/s, children of separated parents and single parents. In addition to that, I will also be the school’s allied Special Educator, designing programs for our mainstreamed kids who have been diagnosed with ADHD, with certain specific Learning Disabilities and of course, those with emotional disturbances (not to mention their specific cases).

Challenging?

It is. And I’m looking forward to spending another year inside my cubicle.

A Wise Woman's Stone

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me something more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.

- Author Unknown

I was searching for some short stories for Ma’am Nora Gundran, the Coordinator of Student Behaviors in our school which she will use in her pep talk two weeks from now when I landed on http://www.yuni.com/library and saw this story.

Before I go any further, Mommy G is not just an ordinary personnel in school, but she is one mother I consider like my own, too. We have shared a lot of fun times together, so are tearful moments. This school year is her last year as a teacher because she’s about to retire. This school year is also my last school year in the institution I consider my home because I shall seek a teaching career in special education in another institution, of which I hope would be as warm as the home I have with my present school.

After reading this short story, I can hear myself sobbing like a child whose balloon has flown with the wind – no returning.

I am heading off too. Away from the school that has taught me a lot of things -- from professional skills to work ethics to being human.

“Solid Christian foundation, imbued with a sense of mission and service orientation.”

This is always the beginner’s quote I utter everytime we conduct admission promotion outside the campus. I shall no longer say this in the same event, but I will say this a million times in my thoughts and teach my children, grandchildren and other’s children about the essence of being alive.

Indeed, I will be bringing these precious stones with me, but I know in my heart, the core of the wealth is not in the teachings and ideals I have gained with the school. The real wealth is within each people that make up the institution -- their own humanity that they share with one another, to the school and to the community.

I seal this entry with my tears and my hopeful heart, that wherever I may be, I can share the untarnished wealth the good Lord has endowed me, polished in the school I consider my home.

CABAnata 14: Apollo and Daphne (from Paulo's blog)

The god Apollo pursues the nymph Daphne into the woods. He is in love with her, but Daphne - who is always being courted by everyone - can no longer bear her own splendour and calls on the gods to help her, saying:

"Destroy this beauty that never allows me any peace."

The gods heard Daphne’s plea and transform her into a tree. Apollo cannot find her, for she is now merely part of the vegetation.

Daphne behaved in a way that is familiar to us all: we often destroy our own talents because we do not know what to do with them.

The mediocrity of being ‘just another person’ is more comfortable than the struggle to reveal everything we are capable of, using the gifts that God gave us.


Painful truth isn't it?

Yesterday, we had a meeting in our school. The Directress mentioned about the migration of teachers to the US. I felt guilty. Indeed I was. With the condition the Philippines is undergoing excluding the rampant corruption, I don't think I am alone in my thoughts of seeking a greener pasture somewhere far beyond the seas of the archipelago. Even teachers from Ateneo where the highest paid teachers in the academe reside has lost 30 teachers last year due to migration.

I have been very vocal eversince about my plans. I mean, all plans but no concrete future as of the moment. The agency where I forwarded my application said my papers are okay, but that's it. No job order yet. And what if I do not pass the interview? And what if my papers are okay but others' papers are far from being just a plain okay?

I mean, with the competition in the market, this can be anybody else's game.

What is then the connection of the story of Daphne here to what I am feeling right now? It is this:

The Directress told us to lay our cards. Stop playing safe -- signing the contract of commitment for a year but leaving in the middle of the school year. Students will be at a loss. Adjustment problems may arise. Poor Filipino students.

Before yesterday, I was Daphne, playing safe. Avoiding the responsibility of making a choice. In my mind, I was dreaming for big distant stars shooting before me without making a move.

I thought, too, I was just a struggling teacher in a simple town somewhere here in the Philippines, might even be unknown to the world, how can I be at par with other teachers in big cities?

Oh well, I almost wish I never had that dream of writing a book and putting up a school for kids with special needs.

But then again, after the meeting yesterday and reading Paulo Coelho's Daily Message post last January 8, I have changed perspective.

I am pursuing for my star.

And hell, I will!

CABAnata 13: Geometric Postulates... Life in a Mirror of Figures

Last week, I was whining about being an alien in my Graph Theory class. Last Saturday, I felt not much alienated in my Geometry class even though they were talking about coplanar and collinear stuff. Maybe because I got interested in the postulates our professor was discussing. I found them a good topic for my blog.

Ain’t that nice?

Oh well, it was almost a month since I posted my blessings. Not because I can’t recognize the grace of the Lord pouring down on me but because I was busy whining. That’s too bad of me!

Now I realized my disgrace. I am turning my challenge into a blessing.

Like what I have said, I found Geometry a little like my Graph Theory class. The postulates were stated so inspiringly that I nearly clasp my hands and sigh, “Can’t wait to blog!!!”

But what are Geometric Postulates?

Well, postulates are statements accepted as true. There is no need for us to prove. It’s like a law in Science compared to that of a theory or a concept.

We have learned five postulates and here are they with my every realization attached herewith:

Postulate 1: Space contains at least four non-coplanar, non-collinear points. A plane contains at least three non-collinear points. A line contains at least two non-collinear points.

Realization: Each of us, human and animals and all of God’s creation belong to a space in this universe. God has set forth a plan, a scale unique for each one of us. We may not be alike, moreso, we have great variations, but four of us gathered all together can form a space worth a majestic view of kaleidoscope. Three of us can make a plane with equal beauty. Two of us may create a point we can call friendship; which of course may be our source of happiness and contentment and peace and love and everything nice.

Postulate 2: Two points are contained in one and only one line.

Realization: You and I, as we connect belong to one and the same wavelength. This is the energy that binds our hopes and dreams. Whatever that is, I believe in the magic of the cosmos.

Postulate 3: Three non-collinear points are contained in one and only one plane.

Realization: God has a plan. It is not true that it takes two to Tango. In life, I believe that there should be the mythical three so that every dream would come true. Who are these three? It should be You, I and God. Always making the Creator the center of our lives.

Postulate 4: If two points are contained in a plane, then the lines joining these points is contained in a plane.

Realization: This is a confirmation of the previous postulates. When you and I connect and God is with us, everything shall fall into place. It cannot be that when our intentions are good, our dreams will collapse alongside a simple snap of a finger, because we are inside God’s ordained plane.

Postulate 5: If two planes intersect, then their intersection is a line.

Realization: People are for people. People are for animals. People are for all of God’s creation. We don’t stand alone. We interact. We connect. We intersect. Thus, we all belong in one and only one line – God’s line, the Cosmos.

These are the wonders I have realized in my Math class.

Now, I need not whine but thank God for the new horizon He has opened up for me.

The challenge?

To write a blog after every Saturday class.

Geeeezzzz!!! I’m just kidding.

My challenge is to accept the challenge and make every shadowy figure come in colorful hues of graphical representations for life is a compilation of mysterious but beautiful (and worth thanking) figures – literally and figuratively speaking.

Have a blessed week everyone!!!

CABAnata 12: Whining!!!

Geeeez… I still have the jitters of workload all piled up on our counseling cubicles. For one, accreditation is nigh. Then we have the annual Teachers’ Evaluation. December, we have Enrolment Promotions. All these at the side dish for our main menu – 100% counseling of students with follow-up and thorough completion of their Guidance Record Forms. Oh well, let me add a written report for every counseling session aside from the anecdotal documentation of some cases.

Then of course, I have this MA in SpEd to attend to, minor in Math which I claim to be my waterloo, but unfortunately, I have to live by and with it for the rest of I don’t know until when so that I am able to increase my marketability for my great American dream. Not that I am anti-Filipino, but because I love the Philippines I want to have my homecoming soon after I have earned enough fortune for me to build a school for kids with special needs – for my Filipino family. You know… great dreams!!!

But I must admit, last Saturday, I was in total mess. I wanted to run to the Graduate College Dean and hand her my class card and shout directly at her face, “Hey, I’m quitting!!!” or maybe, “Girl, I’m dropping-out!!!” or simply put it, “I think I’m dead meat!!!”

You know the feeling of being in a room where everybody knows everybody and everyone knows what they are talking about while you look so terribly dumb in a corner by yourself where all the jargons you are hearing for the first time are simply put on your face yelling at you, “Get the hell out of here, you alien!!!”

Hey, that is what I felt in that little room in my Math class. Graph Theory. Hell! This was my first time ever to know there is some theory about graphs. I encountered a number of graphs in my Statistics class, but never discussed Eulerian G and D or Hamiltonian G and D (whatever these mean?).

And for a little application on our first meeting, we had a seatwork which ended up to be our assignment and ended to be my burden that ended up as my topic in this blog. To share my little problem (that is!!!), here’s a sample of the Problem Set I brought home to answer:

1. Floramel has invited Noemi, Lucila, Jodi and Patricia to her apartment for lunch. She has prepared four sandwiches for them in advance, namely ham, bacon, tuna and chicken salad. Noemi likes tuna and chicken salad, and Lucila prefers ham and chicken salad. Furthermore, Jodi likes bacon and tuna salad, while Patricia enjoys ham and bacon. Can all four have a sandwich they like?

2. Draw the graph G with vertex set {u, v, w, x, y, z} and edge set {uw, wz, vw, wx, wy, wz, xz, yz}. What are the order and size of G?

3. A Chemist wishes to ship the chemicals A, B, C, D, E, F and X using as few containers as possible. Certain chemicals cannot be shipped in the same container since they will react with each other. In particular, any two of the chemicals A, B, C and X react with each other. Furthermore, A and B both react with F and D. Describe a graph that models these relation between the chemicals. Use this graph to find the minimum number of containers needed to ship the chemicals.

4. Janet plans to invite her friends Alex, Bert, Cindy and Dave to dinner. Alex, Bert and Dave all know Cindy. Construct the acquaintance graph of this group of people (which includes Janet) and use it to determine whether the people can be seated around a table so that every two neighbors are acquainted. What is the order and size of this acquaintance graph?

5. Construct a graph of order 5 whose vertices have degrees 1, 2, 2, 3, 4. What is the size of this graph?

6. a. Construct a n r-regular graph of order 8 for each, 0 is less than or equal r less than 8.

b. Determine the complement of each graph constructed in (a.)

CABAnata 11: Change, My Source of Fear

SPED 219
Education for Deviates

MAE 252
Selected Topics in Geometry

Math 275
Graph Theory

Does the abovementioned details look so familiar? You’re quite right then.

The list above is the summary of my subjects for this semester. To those who might have followed my previous entries, I might as well feed the answer to your question: “Why Math? I thought you’re going to take up Science?”

So I thought, too.

I have already decided… firmly (so I thought, too, again!) But after checking the battery of tests I have undergone myself in my Psychological Assessment class last semester, having interpreted it and pondered on it, accompanied by my brother’s opinion, I have changed my mind… to the last minute.

How many minutes?

Well, just enough for me to knock and enter the room of the university’s Associate Dean last Saturday.

My test result?

Well, let me support first my prose with my grades in college and graduate school. My College Algebra was 86, lower than my 87 grade in Biological Science; but my Statistics with Demography was 88 (I was even exempted in my final exam because our Prof promised that whoever can perfect the long test she gave will be exempted… and I perfected the test!), far higher than my Zoology lec and lab grade of 82 and my Physical Sciences of 72 (damn that Prof in Physics!); I had 89 in my Applied Mathematics while I had 78 in my Anatomy and Physiology lec and lab; I had 86 in my Inferential Statistics while I had 81 in my Inorganic Chemistry lec and lab; I had 82 and 85 in my Psychometrics 1 and 2 respectively and 86 in Taxation; I was able to have a grade of 1.25 in Psychological Testing, Statistics in Education and Methods of Research which is equivalent to 94-96; and of course, my thesis had a grade of 1.50 or 93, which I can proudly say that every painstaking detail of my Statistical treatment was scrutinized by no other person but me.

Do I sound bragging? Hope not! I am just proud of the fruits of my sacrifices.

As for the test result:

My Aptitude test told me I am better in Mathematics than in Science. My IQ Test told me I am good in Non-Verbal Analogy. My Interest test also asserted that I have an inclination to numbers.

Now tell me, was I wrong in my decision?

I have decided. I have six units this semester. I will take another nine this summer while having my Graduate Seminar in SPED. I will take another six in the first semester of school year 2008-2009 in addition with my Thesis 1 and Comprehensive Exam. Another six for the second semester with my Thesis 2. Hopefully in 2009, I shall graduate from another MA degree, this time in Special Education with a minor in Mathematics. And next school year, hopefully again, I will be able to seek a teaching job from a respected school like my present school. Degrees. Experience. Increasing my chances for the US.

But do I really like to go to the US?

Of course I do. Actually, I want to travel around the world. Visit Paris and even Istanbul. But to work there as a teacher, well, I’m not quite sure.

But I really want to earn enough money to build my own school for children with special needs. And the only way I can do that is to go to the US and teach there. I can’t be a nurse! The more that I don’t want to be a nurse!

But then again, as I am thinking over my plans, there is this part of me that doesn’t like to get to the finish line.

"There were two things that prevent us from achieving our dreams; believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expected it. For at that moment, all our fears suddenly surface: the fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, the fear of a life full of new challenges, the fear of losing forever everything that is familiar."

These were the thoughts of Chantal Prym when she was deciding whether to continue battling with her Evil and take the side of her Good by not running away with the gold bar.

And I think this too is my story and everyone else’s.

At the back of my mind, I am not also fully convinced if I can really put up my own school. I am afraid to take responsibility. But I want to help. I want to initiate some changes in this side of my town which I love so dearly but seem to have been laid back by economic advancements and positive technology.

I am also afraid to take the plunge because I know I am leaving something I have loved and worked for in the last thirteen years. Testing and Counseling is what I am good at. Though I know teaching is not too far from my chosen profession, I still have hesitations whether or not I can be effective.

And yes, I am terrorized by the thought of setting foot in a foreign land where in the first few months, I don’t have my family with me, that is, Ronald and Beatrice and Gabrielle.

I fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, I fear of a life full of new challenges, I fear of losing forever everything that is familiar.

But I have changed my life with a flick of my pen last Saturday by choosing Mathematics over Science. I just hope my decision would suit me and would be kind to me. I just hope my decision would bring me to my dreams. I hope against all hopes that my decision can build a school for kids close to my heart.

CABAnata 10: Happiness is a Voyage

First, I was dying to finish elementary and be a teenager… a high school bopper. Then I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough for school so I could have more time for myself. And then I was dying to retire. And now, I am dying… And suddenly I realized I forgot to live.

This was just a text message from an old friend of which has caught my writing interest. I pondered on it for a while. And not just saved it on “My folders” menu but copied it a couple of times on separate notebooks. It’s not that I have fetish for such (just a sort of…) but I find it as a good material for analysis… introspection… meditation… or call it self-reflection… heart-examination… and soul searching. Or it was just mere foresight that I am now to use it to share something good and of value with you today… on my blog… while I myself undergo what I usually tell my clients: “Reflect!”

Yes, I am reflecting… as always. Reading what nature wants to tell me, pretending to be a real alchemist, that is. Perhaps, it’s just my imagination. Or worst, my hallucination – that I was brought here by the tides of time for some purpose. Like some cosmic conspiracy as I have always believed in.

I’m about to finish reading The Devil and Miss Prym by Coelho. And I realized, I don’t have the expertise of Berta who can understand the signs nature brings or can talk to a dead love one warning me what omens are on their way.

Last Friday, I watched with the luxury of time the long break from school provided The Pursuit of Happyness casted by Will Smith. I may not have shed a tear, but only God knows how my heart broke as the episode unfolds. Whether the movie was right or not; or happiness is spelled with an “i” or “y”; or happiness should really be pursued or not, I find myself that part of Chris Gardener’s life as being true for me – “Running!”

A couple of weeks ago, I received a forwarded mail from my Uncle Albert whose in the US. I had no time to open the attachment though because it was 2.5MB long. I saved it until last night. Got hit by a railway truck a hundredfold. Because the content goes:

(Note: As for Miss Prym and the movie, I’ll save that for another entry tomorrow. Or next week.)

We convince ourselves that life will be better once we are married, have a baby, then another.

Then we get frustrated because our children are not old enough, and all will be well when they are older.

Then we are frustrated because they reach adolescence and we must deal with them. Surely, we’ll be happier when they grow out from the teen years.

We tell ourselves, our life will be better when our spouses gets his/her act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation whenever and wherever we would like to, when we finally retire.

The truth is, there is no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy in spite of it all.

For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life. But there were always some obstacles along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life would start. I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life.

That point of view helped me see that these isn’t any road to happiness. Happiness IS the road.

So enjoy every moment. Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds, to gain ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgage to be paid off, for spring, for summer, for fall, for winter, for the first or fifteenth of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be reborn… before deciding to be happy.

“Happiness is a voyage, not a destination. There is no better time to be happy than… NOW! Live and enjoy the moment.”

- Author unknown

This is just half of the whole 2.5MB message from my uncle. But I will cut it from here. I will head on for another reflection. But as of the moment, this is my struggle.

I am seeing right before my very senses the fight happening between my good and my evil. Of which I would feed, I know would win. And I’m not sure, in this time of my life, which am I feeding.

As I read all over my notebook of quotes the text message from my friend, I feel something within me dies.

When I turn page by page Coelho’s book, I can sense something in me is invigorated.

As I concentrated watching Gardener’s life, that something inside me is aroused – one with pride, the other with loathing.

While I wrote Uncle’s message in my blank sheet, an impression begins to stir in the deepest recesses of my being.

And even as I tap the keyboard of my pc for this entry, the uproar within me persists.

Until when?

I’m not sure.

And so thus, my REFLECTION continues…

CABAnata 9: Conquering My Devil, Enviousness

Your confidence and your sense of mastery depend a great deal on how you react to threats made by others.

A threat leads to nothing if it is not accepted. In fighting the good fight, you should not forget that. Just as you should never forget that both attacking and fleeing are part of the fight. What isn't a part of the fight is becoming paralyzed by fear.

- Petrus, The Pilgrimage
by Paulo Coelho



Perhaps by now you know how gradual I read the current book under my perusal. Like what I have said, I lack the luxury of time no matter how much I wish I could move on to the next book in my reading list. But I find this pace more advantageous. I mean, I have all the time (Now that may sound ironic!) to contemplate after every chapter how I could relate it to my personal experiences. And I am one hell of a lucky person because my every fall has some Coelho line or two that would retrieve my dampened spirit back to its struggle and back to my reality.

And a while back, inside the bus on my way to work (as usual), I have come across with the above lines. And so I went on with my contemplation as I integrate it with the lines I have posted last Saturday.

I admitted I was envious in some ways to what my friends have achieved. Well, that is how I interpreted my feelings. But my introspection told me I was not necessarily envious with their achievement, because for a fact, I have my little own, too, but I was more focused on the earthly wealth those achievements suggest.

My envy is instigated by other people. But it all boils down to the fact that this envy is a threat to my confidence and sense of mastery to conquer my dreams.

Yes, I too felt fear. Fear of not being able to conquer my devil. Fear of not achieving the expectations I have set for myself, not just the dreams I have fantasized in my mind which I vocally expressed but also the plans I have weaved for my kids and my family. Fear of not being able to be who I was purposely born for. And fear of many other unknown faces of my existence, my devils.

And these fears made me so insecure of my ability to achieve and even doubt my potential to be. But thanks to Petrus who told Paulo not to be paralyzed by his fear. I too would take his word that I should not be paralyzed by these fears. Even if Petrus might laugh at me if he would come across this blog (Umasa ba?) and he would repeat to me the same lines he told Paulo with the presence of the nun. To those who have read The Pilgrimage, I know that you know too well what I am referring to, but to those who haven't, let me just quote Petrus' lines (even this may fail to encapsulate the whole scenario):

"…When you sensed the presence of something positive, your imagination concluded that someone had arrived to help you. And this, your faith, saved you. Even though it was based on an assumption that was absolutely false."

I seem to be that. I assume, as Petrus and others may perceive that the lines I read from The Pilgrimage are directly and intentionally for me because of my experiences at the moment. I just do hope, my faith in Petrus' lines would redeem me like Paulo from the calls of evil.

Ah! Life space. I interpret the things around me as some conspiracy designed by the cosmic powers that travails my hemisphere. Argh! Poetic? Nah! I'm just playing with words… again.

Like I have said, blogging is cathartic for me. This is my avenue for expression. At the same time my way of negating the ill feelings I start to sense building within me. Actually too, I have sought the help of an expert about my feelings of envy. I was a bit pacified because she said that these feelings arise as part of human nature. It is not wrong. It only becomes wicked when my envy eats up my sanity and I devise devilish schemes to kill my source of envy not by knives though but by the power of my words. In Filipino slang, chismis or paninirang-puri (fabrication of issues to dehumanize others); which I am not capable of.

And let me go back to blogging. Aside from its cathartic effect on me, it also gives me a sense of fulfillment because I am able to share a part of who I am to people I actually do not know and inspire them (as they claim) in more ways than one. And just last week, I forgot to mention may be because my envy then was guzzling me up, Nice (a reader and blog visitor) told me that my entry "I am a Certified Bookworm" was posted by Paulo Coelho himself in his blogsite http://paulocoelhoblog.com and she too appreciated the booklist I presented along with another blog visitor.

Imagine how euphoric I was! The renowned Bestselling Author of The Alchemist among all others actually visited my site and skim read a few of my entries (I presume because the entry he posted was not the day's recent post and to the bloggers, you know what that means) and chose to post in his site a simple prose written by an aspiring writer like me. And so after checking my entry on Coelho's site (News section, now in the Archives), I got to have that sense of achievement. My enthusiasm in writing was ablazed even more.

Yeah! This is what I am driving at. The fight I am fighting is not seeking achievement with material compensation. My fight is to experience the love that consumes. Agape.

Now it has become clearer to me as I write this blog and integrate my recent analysis to previous stored introspections in my memory bank, that my devil is not a dog with many faces but money and the power and prestige it promises. If you may recall with me, the reason why my American dream was born was because of my need to help those who have helped us during Mama's suffering. My purpose was to finance my dream to build a school for children with special needs who are growing in number in our locality but has no facilities to provide them with the quality intervention they deserve. My reason too was to get myself back to school (with my kids of course going to the best schools) and finish a degree in Clinical Psychology and be an author of books in Psychology and stuff that could give life more meaning for people.

Rationalizing?

I may be. Yes I am. But it is only through seeking your own reality and questioning your own intentions that you can give more meaning, deeper that is, to your own existence.

So be it…

CABAnata 8: Enthusiasm

Which kind of love are you talking about: eros, philos or agape?

Eros is the usual love that exists between two people.

Philos is love in friendships. It is also that love felt when the flame of eros stopped burning between couples and still they stick together.

While agape is the love that consumes. And this may be experienced in the form of enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm meant trance or ecstacy -- a connection with God. Enthusiasm is agape directed at a particular idea or a specific thing. We have all experienced it. When we love and believe from the bottom of our heart, we feel ourselves to be stronger than anyone in the world, and we feel a serenity that is based on the certainty that nothing can shake our faith.

- Petrus, The Pilgrimage


I was very vocal in my past entries how disillusioned I was after attending that seminar for aspiring teachers to the US. It seemed to me that all of my hopes and dreams all crumbled to my feet like some quivering protoplasm withdrawn from its source of nurturance.

The more disheartened I was after a week when my friend called me up telling me she received a call from the agency to attend the orientation for interview. This just meant that she has some chances I didn't have to get an interview from some prospective employers. Another fact: She didn't attend the seminar. I only fed her the details. That pulled the trigger of disillusionment right on my head.

The week after, another friend who is already in the US e-mailed me she has already paid that debt she had in a bank just to go to the US. Next month, she might have a car. This December, she might come home for vacation. Envy? Yeah, right that you are. Envy consumed that little hope I have.

Last week, two friends e-mailed me. They said they are processing their US visa. Come next year, they might be spending the summer there. Good for them, eh?!

Last night, with all the failures I directed to myself, I asked my husband, "What would be our resort if in case I won't be getting a job in the US?"

He answered with a grin on his face, "Well, honey, I don't have any idea. Actually, I don't ever think about it. Believe me, you will get that job you want."

Nice push!

My brother also texted me, "If it will happen, it will happen. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Am I being hard on myself?

This morning, in my way to graduate college, I brought out The Pilgrimage (I honestly haven't finish reading the book yet. This is my third week, I guess. I don't really have the luxury of time to finish the book. I only read it inside the bus to my way to work and home and school.) and went on reading as usual inside the moving vehicle.

Then I reached the agape thing. Then enthusiasm. Then that page on regaining enthusiasm. Then the Blue Sphere Exercise. The moving bus didn't stop me from feeling the blue waves strike my system. The noisy people that moves about in the bus didn't mean a thing. That spark was there. Playing in my mind. Getting through my veins.

To those who have read the book, they know what I am talking about. I mean, it seemed the whole world stopped with the lines as I read them. The words are so powerful that my imagination worked with every description. And I seem to actually experience that blue sphere consuming my being.

The driver's yell dragged me back to reality. And I promised to myself, I shall perform the exercise. My only problem now is: With whom?

Nah!

Disheartenment is failure to see the importance of your struggle. I feel some degree of shame. I thought I was fighting the good fight. But I wasn't. I am not. Because I still haven't searched that substance that will keep my dream from sparkling even in the midst of darkness.
Indeed, I am a pilgrim... still searching for purpose and meaning.

What is there behind my US dreams?

Wealth?

Pristege?

Power?

All seem so earthly for me.

Ah! Blogging even gives me more meaning because my realizations I am able to express in words and share to people, touch them in some way even when we move in different planes.

Life space?

Yeah, move about in different life spaces.

Sour graping?

Sweet lemoning? (If there seems to be a term.)

I hope not. I am just expressing my thoughts... for now.