When people ask me to define love, I say, "Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger." (Sponge Bob)

When they ask me why I laugh at my mistakes and even write them with pride in my blogs, I say, "I'm not crazy. I just don't give a damn!" (Daffy Duck)

When one time I was conducting a group activity, a student asked what road sign I love the most, I said, "I like dead end signs. I think they're kind. They at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere…" (Bugs Bunny)

And when for the nth time a friend would ask me what do I get from writing, I'm not even sure if there are good old souls out there visiting my site, I just smile and say, "Kung gusto mong maging manunulat, eh di magsulat ka. Simple." (Bob Ong)

And last night when Eva said she wants to quit from her work because nobody believes in her, her boss got mad at her, she doesn't even have friends at her agency, and she's crying like hell, I said, "Either you stay to prove your worth or you quit and just show them you're a loser, you have to strive for your happiness." (MY original)

My CHOICES: I remained believing in love. I continued spicing up my mistakes and rewriting my life, accepting failure but keep on dreaming until words would fade into thin air.

Nov 15, 2007

CABAnata 11: Change, My Source of Fear

SPED 219
Education for Deviates

MAE 252
Selected Topics in Geometry

Math 275
Graph Theory

Does the abovementioned details look so familiar? You’re quite right then.

The list above is the summary of my subjects for this semester. To those who might have followed my previous entries, I might as well feed the answer to your question: “Why Math? I thought you’re going to take up Science?”

So I thought, too.

I have already decided… firmly (so I thought, too, again!) But after checking the battery of tests I have undergone myself in my Psychological Assessment class last semester, having interpreted it and pondered on it, accompanied by my brother’s opinion, I have changed my mind… to the last minute.

How many minutes?

Well, just enough for me to knock and enter the room of the university’s Associate Dean last Saturday.

My test result?

Well, let me support first my prose with my grades in college and graduate school. My College Algebra was 86, lower than my 87 grade in Biological Science; but my Statistics with Demography was 88 (I was even exempted in my final exam because our Prof promised that whoever can perfect the long test she gave will be exempted… and I perfected the test!), far higher than my Zoology lec and lab grade of 82 and my Physical Sciences of 72 (damn that Prof in Physics!); I had 89 in my Applied Mathematics while I had 78 in my Anatomy and Physiology lec and lab; I had 86 in my Inferential Statistics while I had 81 in my Inorganic Chemistry lec and lab; I had 82 and 85 in my Psychometrics 1 and 2 respectively and 86 in Taxation; I was able to have a grade of 1.25 in Psychological Testing, Statistics in Education and Methods of Research which is equivalent to 94-96; and of course, my thesis had a grade of 1.50 or 93, which I can proudly say that every painstaking detail of my Statistical treatment was scrutinized by no other person but me.

Do I sound bragging? Hope not! I am just proud of the fruits of my sacrifices.

As for the test result:

My Aptitude test told me I am better in Mathematics than in Science. My IQ Test told me I am good in Non-Verbal Analogy. My Interest test also asserted that I have an inclination to numbers.

Now tell me, was I wrong in my decision?

I have decided. I have six units this semester. I will take another nine this summer while having my Graduate Seminar in SPED. I will take another six in the first semester of school year 2008-2009 in addition with my Thesis 1 and Comprehensive Exam. Another six for the second semester with my Thesis 2. Hopefully in 2009, I shall graduate from another MA degree, this time in Special Education with a minor in Mathematics. And next school year, hopefully again, I will be able to seek a teaching job from a respected school like my present school. Degrees. Experience. Increasing my chances for the US.

But do I really like to go to the US?

Of course I do. Actually, I want to travel around the world. Visit Paris and even Istanbul. But to work there as a teacher, well, I’m not quite sure.

But I really want to earn enough money to build my own school for children with special needs. And the only way I can do that is to go to the US and teach there. I can’t be a nurse! The more that I don’t want to be a nurse!

But then again, as I am thinking over my plans, there is this part of me that doesn’t like to get to the finish line.

"There were two things that prevent us from achieving our dreams; believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expected it. For at that moment, all our fears suddenly surface: the fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, the fear of a life full of new challenges, the fear of losing forever everything that is familiar."

These were the thoughts of Chantal Prym when she was deciding whether to continue battling with her Evil and take the side of her Good by not running away with the gold bar.

And I think this too is my story and everyone else’s.

At the back of my mind, I am not also fully convinced if I can really put up my own school. I am afraid to take responsibility. But I want to help. I want to initiate some changes in this side of my town which I love so dearly but seem to have been laid back by economic advancements and positive technology.

I am also afraid to take the plunge because I know I am leaving something I have loved and worked for in the last thirteen years. Testing and Counseling is what I am good at. Though I know teaching is not too far from my chosen profession, I still have hesitations whether or not I can be effective.

And yes, I am terrorized by the thought of setting foot in a foreign land where in the first few months, I don’t have my family with me, that is, Ronald and Beatrice and Gabrielle.

I fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, I fear of a life full of new challenges, I fear of losing forever everything that is familiar.

But I have changed my life with a flick of my pen last Saturday by choosing Mathematics over Science. I just hope my decision would suit me and would be kind to me. I just hope my decision would bring me to my dreams. I hope against all hopes that my decision can build a school for kids close to my heart.

1 comment:

PlanetMars said...

Goodluck dear. Ako rin, i never thought I could handle management as well as sales, but I guess I did well naman during my stint. Once you set your eyes on something, I know you can achieve it.