When people ask me to define love, I say, "Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger." (Sponge Bob)

When they ask me why I laugh at my mistakes and even write them with pride in my blogs, I say, "I'm not crazy. I just don't give a damn!" (Daffy Duck)

When one time I was conducting a group activity, a student asked what road sign I love the most, I said, "I like dead end signs. I think they're kind. They at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere…" (Bugs Bunny)

And when for the nth time a friend would ask me what do I get from writing, I'm not even sure if there are good old souls out there visiting my site, I just smile and say, "Kung gusto mong maging manunulat, eh di magsulat ka. Simple." (Bob Ong)

And last night when Eva said she wants to quit from her work because nobody believes in her, her boss got mad at her, she doesn't even have friends at her agency, and she's crying like hell, I said, "Either you stay to prove your worth or you quit and just show them you're a loser, you have to strive for your happiness." (MY original)

My CHOICES: I remained believing in love. I continued spicing up my mistakes and rewriting my life, accepting failure but keep on dreaming until words would fade into thin air.

Oct 15, 2007

CABAnata 2: On Failing

It's never quite easy to live a life when you have a lot of responsibilities - milk for your newborn, including diapers, monthly vaccination expenses for the baby, school fees for yourelf and your kids, electric bills (It's good here in the province we don't pay for water. And good for us, our phone is pre-paid), transportation expenses, food and food and food and some more food... That sometimes, eating becomes so stressing everytime you pull a hundred but can only buy a meal for the day, more painful that is, only for yourself. Now I'm just earning for food and my fare. How about my kids? Good for them because they have an Uncle and a Granny who provides for their clothing and other chuvanels expenses.

And so I move on to my decision-making process...

I e-mailed three of my aunts the other day. Asked for their opinion about my application in the US. Told them my litany of worries and fears. Basically, it's all about raising my kids in my absence (OA mang sabihin, but I really fear that six months - one year of not being with them... them growing in my absence). Fear that after not seeing me for a long time, they might forget that I am their mother -- the one who carried them in my womb for nine months and almost died in giving birth and with Yumi, while conceiving. I fear that Bea would not be able to maintain her good academic performance. I fear that Yumi might not be able to grow as sweet as her Ate. I fear that my husband might not be able to provide the warmth of both a father and a mother to my kids. I fear a hundred and one fears that I almost crack into tears just by merely thinking that I might leave them.

All of my aunts told me one thing: SACRIFICE!

And yet another point: OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS ONLY ONCE!

I got their point. Aunt Cely told me that my father was away from us for more than ten years, yet, we grew up as good as we are now (not bragging!). Well, maybe, we could raise our kids better than that for I would only be away for a year or so. And would eventually take them with me.

Hell, well!!! I'm talking about my fears but I forgot one principal aspect of all these: FAILING THE EVALUATION AND INTERVIEW!

After writing my entry yesterday, I almost grabbed my unit and log in to blogtext to delete my entry. I told myself, "Why am I writing all these stuff and letting the whole world know how I might fail in taking this great risk?"

Yet another side of me said (which of course I chose to follow because here I am writing a second entry in my new found CABAnata), "I might fear a lot of things, sometimes even myself, but one thing is for sure, I don't fear failing."

Why do I say so?

Because FAILING is just an offshoot of what is there on being human -- the struggle of making the most out of what you have as a person, using at the most your God-given self -- TRYING.
And this is what I want to share to my readers (if there are some...), that failing is not something to be afraid of but it is something to be proud of because you transcend the majority of people who do not experience failure, not because they are good at all aspects but they are afraid to take the risk and content themselves in lying under the guava tree, waiting for the guava fruit to ripen and fall right into their mouths.

Well, I'm not Juan Tamad. I will welcome each opportunity as they come until all my puzzle pieces will fall into place.

And like Pareng Leo Buscaglia said, "Taking risks makes one human for risking nothing is only of death."

May God bless me, my family and all people who take the risk of striving to transcend their humanness to completion, if not to perfection.

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